I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize