I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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