Swine flu is the new snow day.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize