You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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