Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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