Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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