I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
