btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
