We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
