worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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