I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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