After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
