the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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