i wish my penis had a tongue
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize