I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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