I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
