This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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