you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
