Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
