apparently the secret to your success is patron
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize