Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
