I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
