what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
