Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
