I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize