I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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