So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
