my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
