if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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