the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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