I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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