I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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