I am spending my child support on dildos
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
