I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
