I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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