you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
