If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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