Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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