She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
