omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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