I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
