Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
