He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
