He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
