Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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