Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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