Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
