um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
