I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
