Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize