It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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