My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
