I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
