i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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