I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
