My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
