It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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