Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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