come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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