Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I cockslap morals
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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