I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
