Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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