I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We just shotgunned beers for America
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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