I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
After tacos, we're chasing women.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
