at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
