omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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