This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
