I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
