Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
