I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm passing your future prison.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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