i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
